I feel like I need to blog, to write.  There is something in me that a begging to do this, almost like a hunger or a drive, I feel as if I can barely breath until I do.

The problem is that I have nothing to write about.  At least, nothing that I can put to words.   It is as if something is blocking my thoughts, distracting them … opposing them.

I was talking with a friend earlier this week, and I was explaining my schizophrenic feelings.  It seems as if there is this part of me that is genuinely excited about what God has said to me and has called me to, and this other part that seriously doubts he has ever said anything at all.  I have times that I can feel his anointing and his favor, and times that I almost laugh at my stupidity in assuming that God would have any use for me at all.  The craziest thing is that the closer I get to walking in his specific call on my life, the greater the psychosis.

And there we have the clue, don’t we?  We see this experience in the story of Elijah.  In 1 Kings 18, we witness Elijah facing the 400 prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel.  What boldness, what faith!  Elijah prepares a sacrifice, floods it with water, and then challenges the enemy’s ‘god’ to a duel.  The prophets of Baal cry and plead, but nothing happens.  Then our man Elijah steps up, invites God to demonstrate that He is the true God, and wow!  Fire falls from heaven and consumes the sacrifice, the wood, the stones, and even the water! 
 
Then, just three verses later, after Jezebel got wind of all of this, we are told that ‘Elijah was afraid and ran for his life.’  “I have had enough, Lord,” he said.  “Take my life.”’ (1 Kings 19:3,4).  Unbelievable!  Here is Elijah, at the peak of his success, experiencing Gods anointing and favor like never before, and he’s suddenly suicidal?  This is not a man of small faith, nor is it a fair weather follower of God.  This is Elijah, so what’s up with that?

God sends Elijah on a forty day journey, his own wilderness experience, I suspect.  And at the end of this journey, God asks Elijah a question.  He asks him “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (v.9).   Elijah immediately begins listing all of the ‘noise’ that had been going on in his head:  rejection, death, insignificance, it’s all there.  And then that famous scene: the wind, the fire, the earthquake, but no God.  It is only in the whisper that Elijah finds God again. 

Our enemy can be so loud.  He can be so convincing, that even the greats like Elijah need to be taken away and reminded that God is not in the loudness or the performance, but rather in the presence.  It’s not psychosis, it’s battle.   I’m not schizophrenic, I’m just beginning to awaken.  That thing that God has placed in me, of course it is fighting to come out. 

... So here it is.


To the King,

David