About a week ago I pulled a classic twenty-four hour marathon.  Having spent all day in Boulder, CO with my son rock climbing at the Citizens National Bouldering Comp, and then watching the pros show how it was really done later, we were so jazzed up on adrenaline and caffeine that we chose to drive through the night on our way back to Kansas. I love night driving:  the peacefulness, the stars and the complete lack of competing distractions has a way of opening my heart to hear God in new and fresh ways.  I needed that.  I haven’t heard much lately, not that God hasn’t been trying mind you, but life has just been so … intoxicating.  And so on this night, as Caleb slept in the seat next to me, I turned on one of my favorite worship CDs and began opening my heart to what Jesus had on his.

As some of the scales and calluses of the past months began to soften and fall, I changed CDs to an audio of Gary Barkalow speaking on calling.  He was speaking of the high value that God places on humility in those He uses and about how our King will take us wherever it is that we need to be to develop that characteristic.  I began reflecting back to the last conference that Knight Vision had done.  Having experienced God’s power at a number of men’s events, I felt that a mixed event for both men and women was the next logical step.  My motives seemed pure enough, I knew that men and women both are caught up in this battle; our enemy holds no favoritism or empathy based on our sex so why not offer the truth to all people.  Unfortunately, there was also quite a bit of pride mixed in to my passion, desiring to prove that this was not just another ‘guy’ ministry and wanting to expand our influence to women who largely make up the lion’s share of ministry opportunities.  It failed miserably and left me confused and angry and then seriously doubting what it was that God had called me to. It also left me fearful. I didn’t ever want to have that feeling again, and so I stuck with ‘safe’ missions, writing occasionally, updating this blog, and throwing a few Facebook and Twitter comments out there.  

Barkalow went on to explain that in humbling circumstances, as God is about fathering us through those, one of the places He desires to take us to the area of patience and trusting His timing.  However, my response has been a counterfeit of patience: resignation. Rather than waiting patiently for my next assignment, I have resigned to believing that God is not going to use me, and I am NOT going to risk being to fool again.  Rather than a place of humility, it has become a prison of shame.

I wish that I could offer a happy ending here, a story of God lighting a passion in me that has changed the lives of thousands, but the truth is that I’m still resigned.  I am, however, looking at that resignation differently now.  I am asking Jesus to walk me through that and to teach me true humility and patience.  There is no longer a strong need to accomplish anything in the Kingdom, but there is still a desire, and by God’s grace and in his timing, I believe He is in the process of awakening and purifying that desire even in my resignation. 

To the King,

David